am i a ghost?

what grain of truth do I have? what riddle exists that I alone have the answer too? and if I had that secret, could I attain any good of it? would it bless me? would it curse me?

these and others are the questions that observe my thoughts like crows in mid-day. I repetitively ask them to myself each morning as I go throughout my normal routine, knowing full well that repeating them won’t bring me any further to the answers, but at least I haven’t forgot the questions. sometimes I wonder if I’d ever wake up if my alarm wasn’t keeping watch. in fact I keep my alarm on the dresser across the room to motivate me to move otherwise I would with no doubt slap the alarm and drift off into an eternal sleep.

its not the burnt coffee, the noisy sound of barking dogs or rage of morning traffic that wakes me up each day, but the sting of cold water on my face. it takes forever to heat the water up and when it does lasts only long enough for you to want it more. some how it’s siren call leaves me in the shower far longer then I want to, eagerly waiting for the return of the warmth. once the warmth leaves it never comes back. each new day I have to convince myself that it won’t, only then can I move on with my day.

I’m ready for work.

sometimes I count homeless people on my way to work. in the background the stereo forecasts stocks as investors rally this way and that. in my mind counting homeless people is the only way to judge the economy. sometimes if I’m in a particularly altruistic mood I’ll try to imagine their childhood and what caused them to sit out on the streets. other times I’m content with judging them because I own a car and they don’t.

I arrived to work.

I take every opportunity to make copies that I can. my passion for it is not at all motivated by an obsessive compulsion or an urge to inform everybody of everything, but only to hear the soothing sound of the machine at work, slowly caressing me into a daydream or an epiphany. I went to school so that machines could work for me.

its now that I remember my dream.

last night I dreamt. impressive considering that my insomnia usually entertains me before, like a car crash, I’m thrown into a deep coma that I never fully recover from.

this wasn’t the first time I died. I’ve dreamt of getting shot or falling to a horrific death but this was the first time that my dream went passed that. in fact I was already dead when it started. I’m not sure how I knew I was dead, it was either the crippling gut feeling or the haunting fog but nonetheless my consciousness, sub-consciousness knew I was dead.

at first I find myself clawing the ground like a blind man in a sea of fog. soon my vision quickened and I found myself in a desert. across from me was a lion. despite being in my dream world, I knew this lion could kill me if it wanted to. I was trapped by a desert in all directions next to a lion whom if it felt itself so inclined, could eat me alive and all the defensive moves I picked up as a kid would do nothing to save me.

it felt like a job interview. hesitantly I stared in its eyes, not know whether to look away out of respect or to keep on staring out of… respect. I decided to keep on looking because the moment I stop looking is the moment it lunges toward me.

here I was a ghost facing the shear awe of God. the lion knew it could destroy me. I think it was almost charmed by that fact, but it insisted on sitting. I knew if it came towards me I would descend towards Hell in an instant.

it yawned. I didn’t know whether to feel insulted that I didn’t command the respect of this lion, even if I was to be eaten alive or to feel relieved that maybe it didn’t plan on eating me. I was kind of disappointed to be honest. what’s it for a dead man to die twice? at least it would put me out of my misery.

then it stood. oh yes, all the postmodern thinking in the world meant nothing in an instant. suddenly I felt relaxed, my never ending thoughts finally began to shut up. I had confronted death, I had confronted mercy. I didn’t know why and for once it stopped bothering me.

to my amazement it started walking away. there was no real way to tell but in my dream world I was sure it was north. where ever it was it was directly opposite to wear I was sitting. I decided to follow it. it wasn’t really a choice at all, I felt compulsed, partially by the desert I was surrounded in and partially because of this new friendship I had began to form. in wouldn’t have bothered me if it would have purred, growled or even roared from time to time but the fact that it made no sound at all bothered me. weren’t lions supposed to roar or something? well what am I saying, I’ve never seen one outside of a zoo, I wouldn’t have any idea of what to expect.

if it wasn’t a dream the trip would’ve seemed longer but for some reason time elapsed quite quickly. the desert never disappeared but instead the fog gave way to trees, mountains, and water. before long I realized I was never in a desert but I was standing on a large beach. a head of us the fog waned and a giant castle rose out of the ground. I wish the image that we all have of castle from picture books would do. but maybe it was that fact that something lived in this one or the fact that this was dream, either way the image was incredible. it sat like those from fairy tales a top a snow peaked mountain with a roaring moat and draw bridge. its spires were complete with flags that seemed more like birds hovering over one spot then flags at all. it was idealistic, yet realistic. its not at all like an amusement park where despite the wonderful illusion some part of you knew this isn’t real. this place wherever it was felt real, like you could trust it not to disappoint you.

finally we reached the doors. I was distracted by the moat before I finally looked up. and what I saw I was not expecting. you know that picturesque door that stands before every image of a castle you’ve ever seen? that one that enemy armies fruitlessly attempt to knock down in movies, that one that can withstand hundreds of battering rams? well it wasn’t there. in its place was a huge stone wall and at my feet a tiny door. its scale could be compared to one of those fisher price houses with the small plastic doors that inhibited adults from bothering you. I knew the gates of Heaven were narrow but this I truly didn’t expect. Why only a kid would be able to pass through this door.

like a cathedral church bell that thought continued to ring in my head until I was roused from my sleep by the structured, yet chaotic sound of my alarm clock.

finally I finished my copies and went back to work. feeling alive is a strange thing to a dead world.

us and trees

downtown an old man wanders throughout the lonely streets. his hunger is what keeps him walking even on days where the car exhaust trapped between walls of concrete seems to only make the heat worse. finding nothing on his search he stops nearby to rest his legs underneath an ageing tree.

since the beginning of time the fate of man and the fate of the tree has always been intertwined. ever since God placed that tree in the garden our destinies were sealed together. deep within the core of its trunk was held a secret the depths of which were only known by He that created it. but mankind in our foolish ways robbed Him of that knowledge, in turn cursing ourselves and in effect also the tree.

today a tree still stands like a memorial in the urban jungles of our madness. its limbs hang like arms reaching to the sky but only to be cut short by telephone wires, its roots dig deep into the earth but only to be imprisoned by concrete sidewalks, and on its sides etched are the engravings of lovers long past. passersby hurry to complete whatever business that binds them, homeless men beg beneath its shade and tourists come for the attractions but yet they all miss what stands before them.

at one time there used to be others. the tree in its solitude continually asks why it was chosen to bear the curse and not the others. was it a cruel joke played by man? once used to bring life to the city, it now stands like a gravestone. when one comes to this city, there are countless artifacts, statues and memorials the glorify our human triumphs, but on every street corner stands a memory of our curse.

the old man now breathes a heavy sigh, tired not from the passing day but the weary years that never seem to relent. under his breathe he wishes to be like the tree. to stand as tall as it can stretch itself, to dig beneath the earth where deep to where the waters run, to bear fruit each spring and give it out in jubilee, and in the summer to feel the glory of the sun sear through its leaf like veins, to array oneself in a gown of harmonious colors each fall, and in winter to wear the ice and snow like a crown that God himself gently places on its brow. this is all the tree has known, and without faltering, all it has ever wanted.

the old man, now in his final hour, had finally come to realize what he had imprisoned for so long. as the rays of sun rain down through the clouds, so the tears rain from his eyes. the man now leaned back and rested his head upon the tree when he looked up and saw blood like a syrup pour from holes in its branch like hands. astonished and broken down the man continued to watch as blood from thousands of scars, wounds he had inflicted, poured out to wash him. in joy and disbelief he rose as he felt the burden of his sorrows cast from him, like a child in the spring of life he jumped as if no longer bound by gravity. when he breathed cold and pure air flooded his nostrils and his mouth, inhaling life and exhaling years of drugs, alcohol and cancer.

you see this man hadn’t found an ordinary tree, in fact he hadn’t even found a tree at all but a gift from the One who made everything, who made this tree and who made him. not to die in a world alone, but to be given life and to share it with him.

walls

I just recently finished a book called Chasing Daylight. In it I came to a chapter that discussed finding God's will for your life. There the author described how too often we look for God's windows and doors, but fail to see the walls. Yes God put walls up, but not to stop us. Sometimes we have to run through the walls. Life isn't always going to be easy or a matter of navigating opportunities, there comes a time when we have to step up and put or faith to the test.

I don't remember which Harry Potter movie it is but there comes a point in which Harry has to run full speed into a wall to get to the right train station. I think if he instantly saw the platform, no faith would be required. He had to make a choice, either risk life in limb for a dream or never try.

In my own life, I have no idea whether I'll get through the wall or if I'll crash hard into the bricks. All I know is that nobody gets through walls jogging, and right now I'm sprinting!

-jake

civil war

I don't know if its just me but sometimes i feel there are two versions of me constantly fighting each other. I'm not saying I'm schizo because I'm not, more like how the flesh fights the soul and I'm captive here in the middle, wherever the middle is.

It seems the more you dig to find out who you are the closer you come to splitting like an atom. Wreslting with myself is the closet thing I've come to ever fighting a real war.

This ultimately leaves us with two choices, give in to your sin or fight to let the person God made you to be rise to the top. I encourage everybody whose fighting this battle with me to reach for the latter. I'll warn you ahead a time that IT IS NOT EASY, but all wars must come to an end, and its only through conflict that we will truly see the reward, after all God's a storyteller and whats a story without its action?

In these last couple weeks the battle has become real, pray for me so that hopefully it can come to its end, and I can stop being consumed with myself, and reach out and help people like we were created to.

your input and experiance on this would be helpful,
-jake

good music

here's a list of good music i either have or want to buy

IVORYLINE, There came a lion

Copeland, You are My Sunshine

Jonezetta, Cruel to be Young

Coldplay, Viva la Vida

Capital Lights, This is an Outrage

Run Kid Run, Love at the Core

ideas for band names

sorry if I unknowingly ripped any bands off...
Rhoda,
The Good Souls,
Legion Lost,
Folly State,
Chasing After,
Court of Lions,
The Besides,
Intricate Words,
ShadoWalls,
The Fleeting,
Blind Eyes,
Eastern Skies,
Dear Children,
Andalusia,
The Ascent,
Arbiter,
Rescue from Without,
Saving Ghost,
to be continued,

please comment on your favorites or mention some of your own!

Life is what we make it!

So often I hear people complaining of bad days. To be honest I don't care. Life is so much more of what we make of it rather that what we think of it.

Anybody who knows me probably also knows my last week so far hasn't been the best but in my personal opinion life's never been such an adventure. As batman quoted, "The night is always darkest before dawn."

For many years James Hampton led a humble and quite life as a night janitor. It wasn't until after his death did they dicover his work that had been left in a garage. For 14 years, Hampton had been building a throne out of various old materials like aluminum and gold foil, old furniture, various pieces of cardboard, old light bulbs, shards of mirror and old desk blotters. He had pinned it together with tacks, glue, pins and tape.

On The Last Day of Mine

I walk in a peaceful cemetery, as I gaze at each life remembered, the shade of the gentle oak trees prodes me further. I noticed how each stone diary, once standing tall, is soon eroded by earth and moss. With each row I pass, the screams echo louder, "Carpe Diem, Seize the Day, Carpe Diem!" Until at last the voices fade as I stumble upon a small stone. I examine it further if to find it was my own, my grave. I kneel down as if to think, or pray, --wondering if what I did was enough. Did I change the world, did I love God with all my heart, did I seize my day? These questions parade my mind like the ghosts dancing in our fears. Perhaps this was the genius, I think to myself, of Ebenezer Scrooge, seeing his own tombstone. I couldn't help but fear! These thoughts continued when at last a familiar yet alien voice broke through the madness. Thats when I realized I wasn't alone, I was never alone. My heart rushed with warmth, like the feeling you get when you meet somebody after along time has passed, and you still know them but now you see them in a different light, a brighter light. I was at peace in the presence of a well-known stranger. Thats when He spoke, "That will do son, that will do."

Lighthouse

The waves hit the boards of our sea worthy vessels,
As the tilt of our boats rock us back and forth.
The winds shake our timbers from the tops to the floors,
As the sailors gather muscles just to keep us afloat.

All of us are captains of our own mutinous crews,
As we hope some day to find dry land,
We search the ocean wide as it is blue,
Chanting at last that it’s all out of our hands.

We wail as we sail in these unfruitful seas,
But you gave us a map to the treasure we seek!
Your harbors are bright, your ports they are clean,
And all of the rest we just find our in our dreams!

Are we all, all lost out at sea? Looking and wandering for a trace of a coast?
You came across water, the waves couldn’t move you, in every direction, you’re a lighthouse to me!

Lighthouses stand through the nights, and the storms,
But they will shine in glory with the rising of the sun.
We live in a world where the sun hasn't rose,
But we cling to the hope that someday it will.

Are we all, all lost out at sea? Looking and wandering for a trace of a coast?
You came across water, the waves couldn’t move you, in every direction, you’re a lighthouse to me!

My First Try at Rap Lyrics

I'm still thinking of a way to link the verses, they don't make much chronological sense.

With each step I take, with each house I pass,
I'm trying my best to not become like the trash,

'Cause my generations dy'n and my soul's cry'n,
Is this what you meant when you said keep try'n

Your not what they tell you, your not what they say,
Pick up your head and find a higher way!

You were born in this would will you suffer its fate?
When all of his truths are bigger than you mistakes?

Throw away the cigarettes, throw away the lighta!
Pick up your sword and show them you're a fighta!

Reach for his love, reach for his hand,
He didn't die to a cross just to sit around and reprimand!

I'm not giv'n in, I'm not breaking down,
Grab my hand and we'll turn this around!

Dear Self, Your Valentine

You'd thought I'd stay away,
Well, guess again today!

My flesh is reeking,
From all the things I've been seeking!

Lord, help me when I pray,
Break these chains, and a get away!

I can no longer drink this wine,

Dear Self,
Your Valentine

Dear Self, Your Valentine

You'd thought I'd stay away,
Well, guess again today!

My flesh is reeking,
From all the things I've been seeking!

Lord, help me when I pray,
Break these chains, and a get away!

I can no longer drink this wine,

Dear Self,
Your Valentine

The Elevator

Are you going up?
Or are you going down?
This elevator will soon hit the ground!
With all the things you once held dear,
No longer yours to hold near.

I thought once, I thought twice,
I couldn’t get over your advice,
I thought once, I thought twice,
You couldn’t make me realize!

That!

We’re going up?
Or we’re going down!
This elevator will soon hit the ground!
These memories will all turn around,
Grab my hand will meet him their.

I thought once, I thought twice,
I couldn’t get over your advice,
I thought once, I thought twice,
You couldn’t make me realize.

And in the end will find our hope,
When it is we leave first floor,
One day we’ll reach the top,
And step outside to heaven’s door.

Beautiful Lies

Some Lyrics I plan to put to song:

We are all distracted by beautiful eyes,
But seldom do we understand,
That all the things that lie beneath,
Are waiting there to tear us down.

You were so beautiful at our first meeting,
But I know on my second chance,
That some of the things I thought were love,
We'll catch up with me at last.

I was looking for love, but only seeing faces,
I searched everywhere, all the times and the places,
And at the end of all this what did I find?
A beautiful story of a love that is mine.

‘Cause now your love is all I see,
Truly you have been, all that I breath.
I thought I found love, but you said to me
I'll love you more, I'll set you free.

Imaginary World

My imaginary world is inhabited with humans who are half animal. The animal half represents their soul while the human their flesh. As they mature they either become more animal like or human like depending on whether they serve God or themselves.

Reflections

A list of Reflections that come to me periodically. This list will be updated with the newest ones last.

As we stand among the Court of Lions the worries and fears of the day seem to disappear as we now think only of love, life and death... and survival. That we may someday return to those petty troubles.

Some times I wonder if all these dreams are just some kind of pieces to some kind of story were bound to figure out in the end.

No journey starts with sleeping. So obvious but true.

A list of things that people want in music, God, Love, Lust, War, Peace, Life, Death, Pain, and Joy.

Often God is cited as a “crutch,” which makes me ponder the fact that many of us would rather complain about being immobile than resolve to using the aid of a crutch. I personally would rather walk with a crutch than never walk at all.

Coincidences are all too common to be only the results of only accidents.

It seems to be my personal experience that the spirit of a person, whether good or bad, can have a drastic change on there outward appearance.

For example: What is beautiful on the outside but not the inside can often over a period of time appear ugly to me, while what is grotesque on the outside but beautiful on the inside can just as well appear beautiful to me, and there are those rare occasions when what appears beautiful on the outside is just as beautiful as what is in the inside, and an unspeakable beauty results.

It is not the realization of a destiny but the digging to find it out that is the adventure.

On our personal journeys God often chooses to either blind us to prevent us from being overwhelmed of our destiny or reveals it to us a glimpse so we can realize how far we’ve come.

Its possible to look into a mirror a thousand times but never see yourself.

A man without pain is also a man without love, in the same way that spring isn’t spring without the winter before it.

Too often we fly through the doors open to us, but forget to knock on the ones closed to us.

When evil seeks to destroy a child early in life, it often means it is trying to prevent something good coming from that child later in life.

Dreams come before talents.

It is one thing to begiven a weakness, its another to fall by it.